Tips on living with vampires
by Sirena Monada
Summary: Vampires. You'd think living with them would be easy, right? Wrong. Living with them is one hell of an experience, and if you're like me and moved in without any warning of what it'd be like, you would have learn't all of the items on this list. Just a little humourous side project.
1. Chapter 1

20 tips for when living in Godric's nest.

1. Before pouring something out of the coffee pot, make sure it is coffee first.

There is a very large possibility that Stan is fucking with you and has put blood in there.

For the next week, the thought of coffee will make you sick.

2. For the _love of God _do NOT interrupt Isabel when she is watching one of her 'shows'.

Vampires don't even have PMS, they're just fucking crazy all the damn time.

So if you thought that asking her if 'dogs have belly-buttons' was more important than the 3 seconds of the show she was going to miss.

You're fucking wrong.

3. When Stan offers you a beverage, decline it.

Again, he's fucking with you, and chances are, it's either poison, human blood, or his blood.

If it's his blood, Stan will find all the more pleasure in controlling your feelings.

You'll feel horny _every _damn second of the day. (especially when he knows you and Godric are talking)

4. Knock before you open.

Vampires are into kinky-fuckery, unless you want to have to repress images and memories of the 3 vampire friends you have, ALWAYS remember this rule.

5. When fighting with Isabel, don't try to use Spanish words on her.

You'll mispronounce them and she'll laugh her ass off at your failed attempts at trying to mimic her.

6. Treat Godric like he is your Religion, always speak of nice things, never bad-mouth him.

He's like fucking Santa Claus and will hear any and all insult eventually.

And boy, will those words bite you on the ass.

7. Trying to make-up nicknames for Godric is now against the state of Texas' Vampire sheriff's orders.

This list includes:

Vampire Ghamdi

Vampire Jesus

Vampire Yoda

Big G

G-money

Flower

The all knowing one

He who can't be named

Ricky

Ric

Godfrey

Joffrey

Supervamp

Wonder Godric

and 'baby cakes'.

Like I said, he's like fucking Santa Claus.

8. Pregnancy scares, aren't funny.

Home pregnancy tests are new to this century, and a lot of vampires have never seen them before.

If you have a pregnancy scare DO NOT leave it in a random bin in their house.

Someone will find it.

Someone will wave it around the nest.

You will have to explain to the vampires what the hell it is.

You will be under surveillance from then on and any humans you wish to go out with, will be severely scared into not even touching you, before you leave with them.

Even if it was someone ELSE who had the scare...

9. Do not try to have a conversation with any vampires 'human'.

It's pretty much like talking to a brick wall, and will only waist your time.

Just save yourself from the embarrassment... 'kay?

10. Bets with Stan are a bad idea.

Just like any cowboy, he likes to gamble. So when you 'bet him', he won't have sex with a human before your eyes, you are only going to hurt yourself. You will regret it.

11. Facebook is not vampire friendly.

Isabel's being stalked

Godric's being stalked

I'm being stalked

Stan is stalking people.

I can't help but wonder is they're all connected somehow...

12. No cats are allowed in the nest.

Stan is scared of cats, and will kill them

You will be left to mourn over 'Squishy'.

Stan will laugh.

You'll chase him with the corpse.

Also, do not in direct response to learning his fear of cats, collect all the strays you can find, and put them in his room.

You'll be mourning over Bubbles, Nemo, Squishy, Dori, Sharkbait, and the other billions of cats soon enough.

13. Don't leave Godric to set up computers, or any electronic device on his own.

He's 2000 years old and doesn't adapt very well to new technology.

He tries to look up something on google.

Google spell checks him.

It is not the right spelling, so he corrects it.

Google searches for the spell checked word.

This is a vicious cycle.

Eventually Godric will throw the computer out a window.

This also happened with a toaster (when trying to cook for me), the fridge (apparently it's supposed to 'create' food, not 'store' it.) 3 phones (he's not allowed touch screens anymore) and an electronic pencil sharpener.

He will get angry, and all of the nest mates will have to avoid him, for the rest of the evening. Except for with the sharpeners, he will become obsessed with it, and all pencils will become missing. You'll have to revert to pens.

14. When alone with Stan, make sure you stock up on silver, wooden stakes, and any other type of weapon.

Stan is an asshat, and anytime you go down to the kitchen to get a drink, he'll either scare the shit out of you, molest you, or try and feed off of you, and with Godric not there, you will have nobody to hide behind.

15. If you wish to piss of Stan, make sure Godric is around.

This also goes with #14, I suppose. Stan is like a dog, if you run from him, he will chase you, and bark, and try to bite. And if you tease him, eventually, he will try to bite you. This is where either Godric or Isabel comes in. You run to them, hide behind them, and they will calm him down.

If you, perhaps, forget that you are home alone with Stan and say something along the lines of 'Gays are really into cowboys', you will end up duct taped to the ceiling, and stay there for several hours until Isabel or Godric come home. It is not a fun experience. And you will _really _have to pee after a while.

16. Eminem is banned.

Stan – apparently- will like it, he will become obsessed and play it full ball for about 2 weeks.

Isabel and Godric will hate you those two weeks.

17. Speak like a pirate day is banned.

Isabel will look at you like you're retarded.

You'll confuse Godric.

Stan will, surprisingly, go along with it.

After confusing Godric with your sentences he will ask what you are doing.

After explaining, he will force you to learn Spanish.

With Isabel as your teacher.

She's a fucking strict and scary teacher.

You'll never want to be a pirate ever again.

18. Don't bring up the subject of Godric's past.

He's sort of like a reformed criminal.

He'll become sad.

You'll become sad

You'll cry

He'll hold you and begin to cry himself.

Stan will walk in.

You'll never live it down.

19.

Stockings are your friend.

Men, apparently, human or vampire, have no fucking idea what tights or stockings are.

If you do not wished to be raped by a visitor to the nest, always have stockings/tights on.

Dresses _are _easy access, and surprisingly easily ripped. Stockings/ tights will provide a distraction, long enough for Godric to save the day, anyhow.

20. Only sing when vampires are asleep or you are an incredible singer.

If you sing in the shower, they will hear.

If you sing yourself to sleep, they will hear.

If you sing when you wake up, they will hear.

They will piss themselves laughing.

You will not be amused.

**I got bored, the internet was out all day, so this came to mind. If you want me to write, maybe another one, review saying which one your favourite was! And if you have any ideas, pm me! I'll add it :)**


	2. Chapter 2

21. The phrase 'bros before hoes' is banned.

Isabel will hate you when you say it to Hugo.

Godric -bless his soul- will be confused

Stan will steal the phrase and claim it as his own.

There is nothing weirder than having a conversation with a cowboy-gangster-vampire

22. When Godric says his progeny is coming over. Run the fuck away.

Eric is more of an asshat than Stan, and his horny as hell. He'll fuck anything with a pair of legs.

Pam will dress you up to look like a hooker, and try to have sex with you.

Nora is nice, but incredibly protective over Godric, and she fucking hates humans.

She'll deathglare you the whole time you are there, and boy, does she do it well.

23. The phrase 'bite me' is illegal now.

Vampires take it as an invitation.

24. Don't tell Stan jokes

Vampire jokes are great.

Only in regard to Godric and Isabel, Stan will take them to heart.

You'll have to sleep with one eye open from then on.

25. Twilight is banned

'Stupid lovesick vampire books' are like possessing V.

Godric will punish you for having them.

Other vampires will be angry at you for having them.

You'll be a fucked up giddy child for a week.

26. Dont't perv on Godric.

Godric can sense when you are perving on him.

It's like gay-dar, but perv-dar.

So either, don't do it and keep to just day dreaming about him, or undress him with your eyes and feel no shame.

27. Keep everything tidy.

Isabel is like a mother, so make sure your bed is made, room is clean, and you clean behind your ears.

She gets a bit possessive.

I don't see her cleaning behind her fangs!

28. Don't play chess with any vampire.

Stan cheats.

Isabel gets surprisingly competitive.

Godric was around when it was made.

You'll feel like an idiot either way.

29. Run all Halloween costumes past Godric.

He may live in the 21st century, but he doesn't like when his girlfriend just wears a bikini to take candy from strangers.

Nor does he like when his friend goes as cat woman.

Something about self respect, and giant vampire possession.

When you wear a sexy pirate costume _for him _it's a completely different story, however.

So I'm told by his girlfriend, at least.

I had to repress the rest of that conversation.

30. Don't ask a vampire 'how their day was'.

They don't understand that it's just a saying.

You'll get told to 'fuck off' a lot.

31. Fake teeth have also been banned by 'he who shall not be named'

Something about it being racist/vampirist/deadist, whatever the hell you call it.

32. Xtina is banned

The song 'Vanity' will get in your head.

You'll accidentally sing it near Godric.

He'll be confused.

You'll explain it's a song.

He'll go on an old person rant (Godric rant as I call them) about how horrible music these days is.

33. Chocolate body butter is better than Lavender.

This is important because, vampires do not find food appealing, flowers smell nice, however.

This may lead to vampires doing weird things just to smell your legs, and the flower.

That is why chocolate is better.

Less awkward situations.

34. Buying baby clothing is banned.

Especially since I am the only person that can have children.

(Isabel, it's creepy! I'm only 15 for christsake!)

35. Techno music is banned

It can some times reach very high pitches, and cause vampires a great deal of pain.

Godric will have to fight vampires off so they don't eat you.

He will consider eating you himself.

36. Always brush your teeth.

In case you forget, vampires have a hyperactive sense of smell.

If you don't brush your teeth and talk to them, they will crinkle their nose and force you to clean your teeth.

This rule saves you the embarrassment of being timed as you brush your teeth.

37. Fake flirting is not okay.

Sometimes they'll take it seriously.

You will get stalked.

You'll almost get raped.

Godric will save you at the last minute.

You will get a 'Godric rant'.

38. Brokeback mountain is banned.

Stan gets offended by it.

He broke the house.

I didn't know that was possible either.

But it happened.

39. Don't text talk to vampires

For example;

'Hi, Godric cn u pic me up frnds dtchd n I'm all alone.

Use correct spelling and perhaps I will consider it.

That's all you get. And a giant argument about grammatical errors.

Don't do it.


End file.
